With Nutter’s proposed “cost cutting decisions” like closing down 11 Philly libraries and consolidating city fire departments making headlines ever since I returned to the Cradle of Liberty, I’m at least glad to hear that there’s a stay of execution on the libraries – for now.

Still, it would be nice to hear that same will be said about our local fire departments. So, I’ve come up with two ideas to show Nutter that downsizing these engines would be a bad idea:

1. Burn down a library. How deliciously ironic. Especially if the library is a) one of the 11 that may be closed and b) near a fire department that’s getting axed.

Cons: Illegal, I’d never do it, nor do I condone anyone else doing it.

2. Go to the fire department, ask for “War & Peace”. Keep doing every single day.

Cons: Pissing off Philly firefighters might not be a good idea, who realistically wants to read “War & Peace” except to brag about it?

Maybe the City would have a little bit more in their coffers if some idiots at City Hall weren’t being paid $90,000 a year:

Yeah.

- AP

Officials from the Mummers left the Mummers Museum last night after agreeing to sign a contract with the city to stage this year’s parade. New Year’s parade time cut in accordance with $300K budget. (Photo: Rikard Larma/Metro)

Our annual Mummers Parade is a go this year. Which is great – because how idiotic would we look if we axed the Mummers Parade? Ever hear of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade getting shut down..or the boring ass Rose Parade?

It’s going to be a shortened parade this year, though.

Which makes me wonder: I thought the city itself made in excess of $20 million from the World Series.

Where did the $20 million go?

Budget crisis my ass. Maybe if Mayor Michael “The Honeymoon Is Over” Nutter wasn’t lazy, he’d actually go through the budget and find all the money the City is wasting on stupid stuff. Or he could take the “bail me out, please” route and just go beg Obama for the money. Yes he can.

TIP: It’s good to ask someone from the Illinois political machine a favor on their daughter’s wedding day

We should have nice things in the greatest City in the world. Like Mummers parades, libraries, and fire departments.

- AP

P.S. You can help the Mummers out by visting Savethemummers.com.

Rejoice, fellow Philadelphians, I say rejoice!

Rejoice not because the Arena Football League is pretty much dead.

I implore you to rejoice because this means the Philadelphia Soul will be AFL Champions.

Forever.

Now I know you’re a little sad, but don’t be. Yeah, Saturday and Sundays in mid-July are going to be way different in the Proctor household. No more recapping the crushing blocks of Clifton Smith, those game winning drives by Tony Graziani, or those 50-yard touchdown receptions by Larry Brackins.

If it weren’t for the AFL, this picture may never have been taken. (That’s Soul owner Jon Bon Jovi with Colorado Crush..haha…owner John Elway)

Wait – who am I kidding? I love football and all and have been wishing for a legit summer league ever since the XFL was piledriven off of NBC. However, I honestly only tuned into the Arena league if reruns of “Law & Order” or an infomercial I’d already seen 15 times weren’t on.

Still, the Soul are (is?) Champions forever.

We should have a parade every year – if Nutter can afford it.

Suck on that, Grand Rapids Rampage fans.

- AP

What happened to just calling it “finding a bargain”? Or “stretching your dollar”?

Why are we making up words to make stuck up people feel better about not spending so much money?

Recessionista definitely sounds like the doings of someone in New York. Probably the same idiot who made up “staycation“.

Ugh.

- AP

Luckily, everyone isn’t on board:

Click HERE to help out.

(Thanks to Is This Life? for the link….)

What’s Geeks Who Give?

Geeks Who Give seeks to mobilize this community to reach beyond its self contained boundaries, to route that amazingly powerful and positive energy to people and causes that really need it. [...] Long term goals include idea, goods & services, and resource banks from which we can draw as well as coordinating volunteer opportunities on an individual basis and organizing large scale volunteer efforts for continued organization-based support.

Alex Hillman has a great write-up on his site, but there’s also the official GWG Events page, the Facebook event page. You can also follow GWG on twitter to get up-to-the-minute info.

If you’ve been listening to Philly sports radio (or practically any talk radio show in the Greater Philly area, including Pinky Kravitz in AC) – you may have heard some hilarious prank calls over the past 15 years invoking the name of an erstwhile former fullback for the then-Phoenix Cardinals.

These guys – deliciously anonymous yet obviously true Philly – have their own MySpace page full of prank calls. They also have some hilarious YouTube videos:

And they even pranked the Old Me (a/k/a Aaron Proctor Classic) once when I was out in Cali:

Their fandom reaches as far as Scotland these days and – while not as prolific as they were before the days of the Internet – the prank calls are still going strong.

Well worth the listen. Earl “The Pearl” would be pleased.

- AP

Don’t mention the war…I think I did it once..but I got away with it..”

Yeah, “The Germans” is my favorite episode of “Fawlty Towers“. Which reminds me – My awesome new friend and I checked out the 1st ever Christmas Village at City Hall on Tuesday. Now I’m REALLY angry that my new computer isn’t here yet – because I took some rockin’ photos of some hilarious stuff I found.

I’ll tell ya about it, any way.

It’s the first annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia and it’s running 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. daily through Christmas Eve at Dilworth Plaza. Admission is free.

There are lots of cool little stations dressed up like snowy houses all throughout the plaza. A couple of crepe and waffle stands, a place that sells doggy treats, and all sorts of little places to get Christmas decorations inspired by all different cultures throughout the world. Plus, Santa Claus is there (He is! We saw him coming out of the Port-O-Let!) – you can even get him to take a picture with your pet on Mondays. They also have a place for K-9 Christmas treats – including tins shaped like fire hydrants full of organic doggie goodies.

The place is kind of hilarious, though, because it’s being run by a company called “German American Marketing”. They own something called “Kathe Wohlfahrt“, according to a little catalog I picked up – which has one of the bigger “houses” there. I just think it’s hilarious because there’s some odd ornaments they’re selling there – like parrot ornaments, Santa Claus carrying a shotgun and a dead rabbit, Santa Claus with a baby alien, and, yes, a small ornament of Satan (which we tried to find a Nativity scene to insert into but no such luck at the time).

Also, things always sound harsher in German, no matter how nice of statements they are. The catalog implores you to “EINFACH ONLINE EINKAUFEN!” (Yes, shop at home online!)

Tons of cool stuff there (a place with candles including a scented candle called “Fresh Laundry”!) and I recomend everyone taking a stroll around the place – preferably with a hot chick from Northeast Philly, but that’s your call. Considering I just heard the country had the worst November in sales since 1969 – maybe get out there and drop $4 on a glass menagerie of somehow-related-to-Christmas roosters and get that economy bustling again.

After all of that Christmas joy and spirit, we headed over to The Mutter Museum. `Cause nothing says Christmas like a 40 pound colon tumor.

- AP

Plus, I went to middle school with her! No joke!

VIEW NBC 10 VIDEO HERE.

So, some assclown is going around my area breaking into cars and, apparently, has been for a while now. And now some kids are going to have a sh**y Christmas.

If you’re interested in helping, Summer has provided her e-mail address on the comments of the aforementioned article: summerarbogast@yahoo.com

- AP

Since Barack Obama is coming to town tomorrow and screwing up everyone’s morning commute…. (Well, I guess Sarah Palin is gonna be there too….maybe she’ll make me some moose chili?) I’ll share this chestnut with you all:

I saw a story the other day on Channel 10 or Channel 6 or some other news program that isn’t anchored by Hot Dawn. The story was about how much of a “hard time” comedians are having making jokes about President-Elect Obama.

I’ve watched late night television a lot less since the election because it’s a little irritating that it’s been pretty much a month since the election and there are still jokes being made about Sarah Palin and how old McCain is. I think it was Fox News who said the ratio was 7:1, Republican to Democrat, when it came to jokes on late night shows and SNL. I know about sore losers…but it seems like there’s a lot of sore winners out there, too.

Anyhow, the way this “news” story made it seem (and the way late night TV makes it seem, at least, to me) – political comedians and late night hosts are going to be “out of jobs” because Obama is just so popular and likeable (yes, the 59,417,826 – including myself – who didn’t vote for the guy just don’t seem to count!). “We’re so lucky there’s Joe Biden!” snarked Jay Leno in one of his monologues. There will be absolutely no way to make fun of the guy, right?

Are comedians completely out of material? Maybe they’re being cautious? After all – a lot of people have been in some deep water for criticizing Obama – like a radio show almost getting shut down. It’s also so hard to make fun of the guy because it’s easy to be mistaken as a racist by the spastic pointy-finger of the Left.

I decided it was time for some half-assed investigative journalism. I put out an ad for local comedians to reply to and chime in with their thoughts. I received some excellent responses that I’d like to share with all of you.

Tony DiGerolamo – Blue Anchor, New Jersey native and writer for Comedy Central’s Indecision `08 blog (as well as superfrat.com) – doesn’t think comedians are at their wit’s end. “I think they’re waiting for a good moment to pounce. Plus it’s hard to let go of George Bush. Just so much material there.”

But isn’t it gonna be pretty damn hard to make fun of a guy who has enamored so many people? I mean, we all know that everyone who voted for Obama is super intelligent and well-informed, right?

“Obama will be even easier”, continues DiGerolamo. “Bush was lame when he was elected, so he didn’t have far to fall. Obama, on the other hand, is already disappointing thousands of people and he’s not even in office yet! Plus he brought the Clintons back. Call backs in comedy are even funnier than the original joke.”

You don’t tug on Obama’s cape….

Mala Wright, a sketch comedienne from Trenton, New Jersey, offers a different perspective. “I do think it would be harder for anyone to make a joke about him without sounding racist. I actually worked on a comedy sitcom pilot (called “Sistergirl”) over the winter with an all African American cast and we did a sketch about Obama if and when he becomes president. But, it was kinda hard to do it… So, I do think it would be harder to find material about him. I do think that some African American comics would be able to get away with it to a certain extent. It all depends on how you do it. I still think people – no matter who they are – may be offended either way.”

So is it just race preventing more jokes in the mainstream about Obama? “I think it is harder to make jokes about someone popular”, Wright continues. “Obama is well liked by everyone it seems and I do think a lot of people would be offended by jokes about him. I think it all boils down to how you use him in your joke. It was so easy to make jokes about W…but with Obama it is like he stands for change and he is an inspiration to everyone regardless of color. I don’t know if it will get easier over time.”

Aaron David Ward, who is from New York but plies his trade often in the Illadel, sends the response I seek into even another tangent. “”The notion professional stand up comedians will avoid making jokes about President Barack Obama out of fear of being labeled “racist” is based on the faulty premise that his race has something to do with
finding him or his proposed policies funny.” (AP note: And I think a LOT of people need to understand that!)

We all tend to like comedians who say more of the things that we’re looking to hear. That’s why there are people who love Eddie Izzard and who love Larry The Cable Guy and who don’t really cross paths. However, isn’t it the job (or more sensible in terms of business and advertising revenue?) of someone on a national platform – that is getting viewers from Columns A, B, and J – to be a fairer with their punchlines?

Ward gives his own personal comedic mantra. “As a stand up comedian, speaking truth to power is my primary goal regardless of whether those who represent power are black, white, or any other color. In a country founded on the principle of individual liberty, I’m amazed so many people have elected a president who wants to ’spread the wealth
around’. I’m equally amazed by how many people put their faith in government instead of themselves. The only leader people really need resides in their own hearts, minds, and souls or so someone told me.”

So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m hoping to die laughing at jokes about Barack just as much as I did at jokes about Dubya, Clinton, Bush I, and Reagan. As of right now, late night talk shows aren’t a part of my TV watching schedule. And if comedians don’t want to stop the egregious amount of sucking up to the guy – they’re going to lose more viewers very quickly.

Be seeing you,

- AP
Mala Wright is an actress and performance artist. Check out her personal website here and her IMDB profile here.

Tony DiGerolamo writes for Comedy Central’s Indecision `08 blog and can be found on the web here.

Aaron David Ward is automatically awesome because his first name is Aaron. Check out his website here.