The high next week in the Philly area is supposed to be around 20 degrees.

We’ll see how well I’ve climatized since I will have been back 3 months by then.

Five bucks says I’ll be dressed for -20 degree weather.

- AP

With Nutter’s proposed “cost cutting decisions” like closing down 11 Philly libraries and consolidating city fire departments making headlines ever since I returned to the Cradle of Liberty, I’m at least glad to hear that there’s a stay of execution on the libraries – for now.

Still, it would be nice to hear that same will be said about our local fire departments. So, I’ve come up with two ideas to show Nutter that downsizing these engines would be a bad idea:

1. Burn down a library. How deliciously ironic. Especially if the library is a) one of the 11 that may be closed and b) near a fire department that’s getting axed.

Cons: Illegal, I’d never do it, nor do I condone anyone else doing it.

2. Go to the fire department, ask for “War & Peace”. Keep doing every single day.

Cons: Pissing off Philly firefighters might not be a good idea, who realistically wants to read “War & Peace” except to brag about it?

Maybe the City would have a little bit more in their coffers if some idiots at City Hall weren’t being paid $90,000 a year:

Yeah.

- AP

Officials from the Mummers left the Mummers Museum last night after agreeing to sign a contract with the city to stage this year’s parade. New Year’s parade time cut in accordance with $300K budget. (Photo: Rikard Larma/Metro)

Our annual Mummers Parade is a go this year. Which is great – because how idiotic would we look if we axed the Mummers Parade? Ever hear of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade getting shut down..or the boring ass Rose Parade?

It’s going to be a shortened parade this year, though.

Which makes me wonder: I thought the city itself made in excess of $20 million from the World Series.

Where did the $20 million go?

Budget crisis my ass. Maybe if Mayor Michael “The Honeymoon Is Over” Nutter wasn’t lazy, he’d actually go through the budget and find all the money the City is wasting on stupid stuff. Or he could take the “bail me out, please” route and just go beg Obama for the money. Yes he can.

TIP: It’s good to ask someone from the Illinois political machine a favor on their daughter’s wedding day

We should have nice things in the greatest City in the world. Like Mummers parades, libraries, and fire departments.

- AP

P.S. You can help the Mummers out by visting Savethemummers.com.

Rejoice, fellow Philadelphians, I say rejoice!

Rejoice not because the Arena Football League is pretty much dead.

I implore you to rejoice because this means the Philadelphia Soul will be AFL Champions.

Forever.

Now I know you’re a little sad, but don’t be. Yeah, Saturday and Sundays in mid-July are going to be way different in the Proctor household. No more recapping the crushing blocks of Clifton Smith, those game winning drives by Tony Graziani, or those 50-yard touchdown receptions by Larry Brackins.

If it weren’t for the AFL, this picture may never have been taken. (That’s Soul owner Jon Bon Jovi with Colorado Crush..haha…owner John Elway)

Wait – who am I kidding? I love football and all and have been wishing for a legit summer league ever since the XFL was piledriven off of NBC. However, I honestly only tuned into the Arena league if reruns of “Law & Order” or an infomercial I’d already seen 15 times weren’t on.

Still, the Soul are (is?) Champions forever.

We should have a parade every year – if Nutter can afford it.

Suck on that, Grand Rapids Rampage fans.

- AP

What happened to just calling it “finding a bargain”? Or “stretching your dollar”?

Why are we making up words to make stuck up people feel better about not spending so much money?

Recessionista definitely sounds like the doings of someone in New York. Probably the same idiot who made up “staycation“.

Ugh.

- AP

Since Barack Obama is coming to town tomorrow and screwing up everyone’s morning commute…. (Well, I guess Sarah Palin is gonna be there too….maybe she’ll make me some moose chili?) I’ll share this chestnut with you all:

I saw a story the other day on Channel 10 or Channel 6 or some other news program that isn’t anchored by Hot Dawn. The story was about how much of a “hard time” comedians are having making jokes about President-Elect Obama.

I’ve watched late night television a lot less since the election because it’s a little irritating that it’s been pretty much a month since the election and there are still jokes being made about Sarah Palin and how old McCain is. I think it was Fox News who said the ratio was 7:1, Republican to Democrat, when it came to jokes on late night shows and SNL. I know about sore losers…but it seems like there’s a lot of sore winners out there, too.

Anyhow, the way this “news” story made it seem (and the way late night TV makes it seem, at least, to me) – political comedians and late night hosts are going to be “out of jobs” because Obama is just so popular and likeable (yes, the 59,417,826 – including myself – who didn’t vote for the guy just don’t seem to count!). “We’re so lucky there’s Joe Biden!” snarked Jay Leno in one of his monologues. There will be absolutely no way to make fun of the guy, right?

Are comedians completely out of material? Maybe they’re being cautious? After all – a lot of people have been in some deep water for criticizing Obama – like a radio show almost getting shut down. It’s also so hard to make fun of the guy because it’s easy to be mistaken as a racist by the spastic pointy-finger of the Left.

I decided it was time for some half-assed investigative journalism. I put out an ad for local comedians to reply to and chime in with their thoughts. I received some excellent responses that I’d like to share with all of you.

Tony DiGerolamo – Blue Anchor, New Jersey native and writer for Comedy Central’s Indecision `08 blog (as well as superfrat.com) – doesn’t think comedians are at their wit’s end. “I think they’re waiting for a good moment to pounce. Plus it’s hard to let go of George Bush. Just so much material there.”

But isn’t it gonna be pretty damn hard to make fun of a guy who has enamored so many people? I mean, we all know that everyone who voted for Obama is super intelligent and well-informed, right?

“Obama will be even easier”, continues DiGerolamo. “Bush was lame when he was elected, so he didn’t have far to fall. Obama, on the other hand, is already disappointing thousands of people and he’s not even in office yet! Plus he brought the Clintons back. Call backs in comedy are even funnier than the original joke.”

You don’t tug on Obama’s cape….

Mala Wright, a sketch comedienne from Trenton, New Jersey, offers a different perspective. “I do think it would be harder for anyone to make a joke about him without sounding racist. I actually worked on a comedy sitcom pilot (called “Sistergirl”) over the winter with an all African American cast and we did a sketch about Obama if and when he becomes president. But, it was kinda hard to do it… So, I do think it would be harder to find material about him. I do think that some African American comics would be able to get away with it to a certain extent. It all depends on how you do it. I still think people – no matter who they are – may be offended either way.”

So is it just race preventing more jokes in the mainstream about Obama? “I think it is harder to make jokes about someone popular”, Wright continues. “Obama is well liked by everyone it seems and I do think a lot of people would be offended by jokes about him. I think it all boils down to how you use him in your joke. It was so easy to make jokes about W…but with Obama it is like he stands for change and he is an inspiration to everyone regardless of color. I don’t know if it will get easier over time.”

Aaron David Ward, who is from New York but plies his trade often in the Illadel, sends the response I seek into even another tangent. “”The notion professional stand up comedians will avoid making jokes about President Barack Obama out of fear of being labeled “racist” is based on the faulty premise that his race has something to do with
finding him or his proposed policies funny.” (AP note: And I think a LOT of people need to understand that!)

We all tend to like comedians who say more of the things that we’re looking to hear. That’s why there are people who love Eddie Izzard and who love Larry The Cable Guy and who don’t really cross paths. However, isn’t it the job (or more sensible in terms of business and advertising revenue?) of someone on a national platform – that is getting viewers from Columns A, B, and J – to be a fairer with their punchlines?

Ward gives his own personal comedic mantra. “As a stand up comedian, speaking truth to power is my primary goal regardless of whether those who represent power are black, white, or any other color. In a country founded on the principle of individual liberty, I’m amazed so many people have elected a president who wants to ’spread the wealth
around’. I’m equally amazed by how many people put their faith in government instead of themselves. The only leader people really need resides in their own hearts, minds, and souls or so someone told me.”

So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m hoping to die laughing at jokes about Barack just as much as I did at jokes about Dubya, Clinton, Bush I, and Reagan. As of right now, late night talk shows aren’t a part of my TV watching schedule. And if comedians don’t want to stop the egregious amount of sucking up to the guy – they’re going to lose more viewers very quickly.

Be seeing you,

- AP
Mala Wright is an actress and performance artist. Check out her personal website here and her IMDB profile here.

Tony DiGerolamo writes for Comedy Central’s Indecision `08 blog and can be found on the web here.

Aaron David Ward is automatically awesome because his first name is Aaron. Check out his website here.

Larry Robin – owner, Robin’s Books and, for the last god-damned time NOTSanta Claus, kids

Robin’s Books, the last vanguard of independent bookstores, is closing its doors on January 31st, says the Philadelphia Inquirer:

The death notice appears in the front window of Robin’s Bookstore in Center City, sandwiched between Chopin – A Life and Our Dumb World.

Sales dipping as much as 15 percent in recent months, his salary not even $30,000, Robin said his beloved business had gone “from bad bearable to bad unbearable.”

Sadly, this is the way things are gonna go for a lot of local businesses. That’s why I’ve always tried to support local shopkeeps when I can – although it can be tough when they can’t afford to not mark-up their prices like bigger chain stores can. You just don’t get that same feeling at the malls or in a shopping center as you do when you walk into a small shop and are greeted and treated like the most important person in the room.

I hate going to the mall or a shopping center and getting the fake, trying-to-hard niceties like they’re churning out over at the Barnes & Noble at the Concord Mall in Delaware. Like the dude who kept calling me Chase Utley every 5 seconds. Fine. I get it. I’m wearing a Chase Utley jersey. No, I’m not getting ready for batting practice, just trying to find a marked-down copy of “Godless“. Ha ha, yeah, that’s funny, I’m not wearing my World Series ring. Find my damn MGMT CD so I can get out of here, please! UGH! I’ll just go to a less-annoying store.

And don’t even get me started on the always-disinterested/working-hard-enough-not-to-get-fired/probably-went-to-Chichester-with-me employee types. Ya know, the kinds that act like you’re completely ruining your day when you need them to look up something in the computer.

Local spots, mom `n pops..they’re rockin’. Especially because, 9 times out of 10, the person giving you attention is also the store’s head accountant and CEO. So, you have a higher percentage of having an enjoyable shopping/browsing/looky-loo experience and a lower percentage of douchebaggery.

So go out and support a local business! Especially when the end result could be the demise of a long-time staple of Philadelphia and its subsequent new found identity:

Cafe. Stage. Readings. Intellectual content.

*shivers in disgust* Take that sh*t to Manayunk.

Philly – go out and get some cheap books while you can!

Robin’s Bookstore

108 S 13th St
Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 567-2615

http://www.robinsbookstore.com/

- AP

Foxwoods wants to build a casino at The Gallery. Some people are opposed to it because of the je ne sais quoi that a casino might bring to the area – like traffic.

Other people are opposed to the casino because of the “shady elements” and “crime” and “prostitution” that a casino “would bring” to the area. That reason always make me chuckle because – if I recall from my eleventeen years – isn’t Chinatown the place where kids go to get fake ID’s and nunchucks and chewing gum that gets you high?

Still others are are opposed to the casino, for, well, batsh*t crazy reasons.

From my peeps at Fox 29…

Yeah, I wish I was making that up. According to this chick, the Foxwoods business model looks a little something like this:

1. Destroy Asian community under the guise of Pai Gow poker and loose slots

2. ???

3. Profit.

I understand the trials and tribulations of wanting to build ANYTHING anywhere in a city that’s cramped for space. I understand it’s not as easy a deal as Harrah’s had – all they had to do was build in Chester, where only like 5 people live and it was quite easy to simply build a casino directly across from a federal “pound me in the ass” prison. I understand that words like gentrification get thrown around in major cities like everyone is trying to emulate that one dude’s speech in “Chasing Amy“.

I’s in yer nayborhood, steelin yer moneyz

But..seriously? Really? The reason they want to build in Chinatown is to specifically target the community there and destroy it?!

Yeah – it’s not because the casino would be in a prime location or anything. It’s not like putting a casino right in the heart of Philadelphia would be a great idea. It’s also not like Foxwoods is also thinking of the Delaware Riverfront as an alternate location. I guess Foxwoods has a plan to gentrify really lame night clubbers, too.

They totally want to take advantage of people who will “like the casino a little too much”.

*rolls eyes*

Just build the damn thing so the city can take the revenue and reopen the rec centers and libraries that Mayor Nutcase is shutting down.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Maybe it’s the Curse of Riccardo Muti or Eugene Ormandy?

Don’t fret, woodwinds. None of the other cities listed in the Top 20 won the World Series this year.

Suck on those fermatas, Vienna.

- AP

An elementary school cafeteria worker and playground monitor, who had an extensive career in the adult entertainment industry, is becoming a New Jersey school district’s legal nightmare.

“We have no real legal stance or legal right to do anything for two reasons — one, it’s not illegal, and two, it’s not on school time,” Superintendent Charles Ottinger told the newspaper.

Really? People are angry about this? Now people have to worry that their outside-of-work-and-previous-to-work-non-illegal-activities will catch up with them?!

“Hey, Joe, we heard that you were a huge drug addict when you were a teenager. Even though you’re 35 years old and have got a college degree and cleaned up your life, we’re gonna have to let you go.”

I call shenangians. The one guy who was interviewed on the Fox 29 Ten O’ Clock News last night sounded like he was waiting to pick up his kids at 4:20 and not 3:00, if you catch my drift.

The chick’s obviously trying to better her life – although I’m certain she could make far more money in the previous trade she plied instead of working for any public school.

Man, calm down South Jersey. Yeah, like half the parents who are upset don’t work for “legitimiate” “tow truck” or “concrete” businesses.

At least she was on Jenny Jones….

I didn’t even have to use one beef stroganoff joke.

Be seeing you,

- AP