Don’t mention the war…I think I did it once..but I got away with it..”

Yeah, “The Germans” is my favorite episode of “Fawlty Towers“. Which reminds me – My awesome new friend and I checked out the 1st ever Christmas Village at City Hall on Tuesday. Now I’m REALLY angry that my new computer isn’t here yet – because I took some rockin’ photos of some hilarious stuff I found.

I’ll tell ya about it, any way.

It’s the first annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia and it’s running 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. daily through Christmas Eve at Dilworth Plaza. Admission is free.

There are lots of cool little stations dressed up like snowy houses all throughout the plaza. A couple of crepe and waffle stands, a place that sells doggy treats, and all sorts of little places to get Christmas decorations inspired by all different cultures throughout the world. Plus, Santa Claus is there (He is! We saw him coming out of the Port-O-Let!) – you can even get him to take a picture with your pet on Mondays. They also have a place for K-9 Christmas treats – including tins shaped like fire hydrants full of organic doggie goodies.

The place is kind of hilarious, though, because it’s being run by a company called “German American Marketing”. They own something called “Kathe Wohlfahrt“, according to a little catalog I picked up – which has one of the bigger “houses” there. I just think it’s hilarious because there’s some odd ornaments they’re selling there – like parrot ornaments, Santa Claus carrying a shotgun and a dead rabbit, Santa Claus with a baby alien, and, yes, a small ornament of Satan (which we tried to find a Nativity scene to insert into but no such luck at the time).

Also, things always sound harsher in German, no matter how nice of statements they are. The catalog implores you to “EINFACH ONLINE EINKAUFEN!” (Yes, shop at home online!)

Tons of cool stuff there (a place with candles including a scented candle called “Fresh Laundry”!) and I recomend everyone taking a stroll around the place – preferably with a hot chick from Northeast Philly, but that’s your call. Considering I just heard the country had the worst November in sales since 1969 – maybe get out there and drop $4 on a glass menagerie of somehow-related-to-Christmas roosters and get that economy bustling again.

After all of that Christmas joy and spirit, we headed over to The Mutter Museum. `Cause nothing says Christmas like a 40 pound colon tumor.

- AP

* 16th & Arch (Mile 1) Starbucks
* 4th & South (Mile 4.5) Starbucks
* 10th & Chestnut (Mile 5.5) Starbucks
* Memorial Hall (Mile 9.5)
* Philadelphia Museum of Art (Mile 13.5 & Finish)
* Kelly Drive & Fountain Green Drive (Mile 15 & Mile 23)
* Main Street & Levering (Mile 20) Starbucks

The race is full (18,000 runners!), as is the half-marathon (same start time, same place, and the Rothman 8k (starting at 07:15, same place).

Come out and cheer on the runners who have worked so hard to prepare for this race! (Find the course here.)

Henry Owings-author of The Rock Bible and publisher of Chunklet magazine-will be in Philly doing an in-store event at AKA Music in Old City (27 N. 2nd St.) on Sunday, November 9 at 3 p.m.

Henry will be discussing how The Rock Bible was conceived and created, and of course, the dos and don’ts of rock ‘n’ roll. He’ll then open up the floor to a Q&A followed by a signing.

Keep reading for more info. on the book!

CHUNKLET presents:
Henry Owings’ The Rock Bible: Unholy Scriptures for Fans & Bands
Price: $15.95
ISBN: 9781594742699
Publication Date: October 2008 (Quirk Books)

The Rock Bible is the word on rock music and its cultural lifestyle from an insider’s perspective. Featuring chapters on The Gospel According to the Drummer, Guitar Players, the Singer, the Keyboardist, the Band, the Crew, the Fan, and The Book of Revelation, The Rock Bible lays down the all-too-true and often too-funny laws of what it’s like to, as they say, “live the life.” A collection of rock rules and witty observations sometimes rudely and/or raunchily delivered from the folks who know best (tour managers, tour promoters, musicians, fans of editor/author Henry Owings’
Chunklet magazine and Owings himself), The Rock Bible is a must-have for anyone who has ever been curious about, a fan of, or part of the music universe. Plus, it has faux-biblical illustrations, parables and essays from comedian Patton Oswalt, drummer Brian Teasely, and professional smartass Andrew Earles.

The Rock Bible on song lyrics: “Nobody is impressed with Charles Bukowski references in your lyrics. You, like every literate person, should have stopped reading Bukowski by age 20 . . . along with Burroughs, Kerouac, and, if you happen to be female, Sylvia Plath.”

The Rock Bible on drummers: “Drummers should never piss off their girlfriends. It’s the best way for them to end up homeless.”

The Rock Bible on touring: “The worst toilet paper in America is always better than the best toilet paper in Europe. It’s best to bring your own, especially to Germany.”

The Rock Bible on backstage antics: “From the second they were delivered, backstage couches at rock clubs are never cleaned. Think of the crazy things that have been done on or near these couches and then proceed at great personal risk.”

About author/editor Henry Owings: Henry is the publisher of the widely recognized Chunklet Magazine based in Georgia. He was in Entertainment Weekly’s “It List” for his confrontational “100 Biggest Assholes In Rock” issue and has been taken to court by Mad Magazine for his similarly parodied issue. The Overrated Book, Henry’s first foray into book publishing, came out a couple years ago. Mostly under the Chunklet moniker, he has been a concert promoter since the late 80’s and has put on over 1,000 shows in his career. Through show promotion and the magazine, Henry went on tour with Bob Odenkirk and David Cross’s Mr. Show comedy tour, and has subsequently worked very closely with the Comedians of Comedy tour, which has criss-crossed the country for the past four years and filmed specials on Comedy Central and Netflix. In addition, he’s produced six comedy releases for Patton Oswalt (Pixar’s Ratatouille) and was instrumental in getting Oswalt signed to Sub Pop last spring. Henry has recorded releases for The Oblivians and The Black Lips and has released records on his own label by The Olivia Tremor Control, Elf Power, Harvey Milk and Man or Astroman?. Finally, just to keep busy, Henry is also a full-time Grammy-nominated art director who has done graphic design work for such diverse artists as John Cale (Velvet Underground), Captain Beefheart and Charley Patton, and has also done book design for Mr. Show and political cartoonist/ columnist Ted Rall. In his spare time, Henry plays Whirlyball and does nothing else except sleep. Henry resides in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife Sarah and dogs Bun and Dave. The Rock Bible is his second book.

I ran the Midnight Madness run for Back on My Feet, two weekends ago, already. The three races of the day were a huge success, raising $90,000.

I’m excited to see that local guy G. Love will be performing at the Festival Pier on August 16. I’m going!

Speaking of the Delaware riverfront, Philly Skyline has dubbed this season as “Summer of the Delaware.” Check out his fancy articles and terrific information. I’m psyched about the bike trail!

End of the summer will bring a visit from my sister. We’ll be lolling about in the city. What to do? What to do? Eastern State, Fairmount Park (does anyone know of any tours over there?), Kelly Drive, historic things, ice cream, Italian Market. Any suggestions?

We are deep into the free outdoor movie season. Here are some links to places you can see them!:

City Hall

Headhouse Square
(This one has dance lessons, too!)

Penn’s Landing

Schuylkill Banks

Northern Liberties

Jefferson Square Park

Music:

Free concerts, too!

Rittenhouse Square

Mummers Museum

Other parks in the city have various film/concert activities, as well!

If you have more to add, please do so! I know there’s gotta be more music events.

This past weekend I spent my Sunday at Target, having an iced coffee at the cafe while reading a book, trying on new summer shorts and dresses, walking around the aisles checking out everything I could… anything to stay inside that sweet, sweet air-conditioned sweetness.

What are some of your free or low-cost ways to stay cool and healthy while still getting out of the house? The main branch of the Free Library at 19th and Vine has always been a summer favorite of mine—I could spend all day roaming the stacks—but alas, I am working full time now.

At least my office building is also air-conditioned.

The pitch: If you had five minutes on stage what would you say? What if you only got 20 slides and they rotated automatically after 15 seconds? Around the world geeks have been putting together Ignite nights to show their answers. Ignite is a series of speakers talking about inspiring projects for 5 minutes. The presentations can be serious, funny, or somewhere in between. We just hope that it would help ignite something in someone.

Check the site for more details. Speakers start at 7!

Friday is National Bike to Work Day. Dust it off! Nutter gives out free coffee and bagels: 7:30 – 9:30 a.m., while supplies last.

Saturday, I’m getting up early, because of the day’s lineup. First off, there’s a flea market at Gloria Dei Church (Old Swede’s, at Columbus & Christian), from 8-3. Behind the brick walls lies one of the area’s oldest churches and cemeteries. You can get a tour of the church, hear the Mummer’s Choir at noon, indulge in some chili, hot dogs, and, of course, soft pretzels. “The Best Fleas at the Oldest Church”

Another Flea Market: 10th & South, 9-5.

Next up – The Italian Market Festival. You should know where this is: south 9th Street. (Saturday & Sunday, 10-5). I went last year, and was surprised at the diverse performances of dancers, singers, etc. There are all types of arts & crafts, foods, and wares in general being sold on the street. Tasty!

I wish I could be 3 places at once. There’s also the Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby, on the corner of Trenton and Norris Streets at noon on Saturday. “A celebration of art and non-motorized transit at the Trenton Avenue Arts Festival.” There will be: art vendors, food, bands, beer, prizes!! I hope to see the spaceship biker that was on 3rd. Street this past Sunday. Cumbersome – yes. Hilarious – yes! On the way up, I’ll probably stop and check out the Old City Stroll & Sidewalk Sale. J. Karma, Foster’s – I will be there, so look out!

If you are rested from all that, use Sunday to head, (again?) to the Italian Market Festival, then the Philly Book Festival. I’ll be manning the table for Quirk Books, at least for a couple of hours! Books, music, writers, poets, and over 80 literary exhibitors. Maybe you will see Baba Wawa. She’ll be headlining. (Festival is Saturday AND Sunday, 11-5, Parkway Central Library, 19th and Vine streets.)

Enjoy your weekend!