Don’t Call It A Comeback (Well, You Can, I’ve Been Gone For Eight Years)

Hello, everyone!

I’d first like to tip my hat to Frazgo over at Los Angeles Metblogs for getting the hook up for me here at Philadelphia Metblogs.

My name’s Aaron Proctor. Otherwise/formerly known as “The Noticeable One“, “The Proc“, or “The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena” and generally known as a damned handsome man. I like long walks on the beach, “Arrested Development“, corporate slang, vodka tonics and house cats that sound like they’re meowing with a “Brrrrrrrowww” instead of Meow. You know what I’m sayin’?

I moved back to the Philly burbs – Delaware County, right in the Chichester area – after living in Los Angeles for the past eight years. You can read about my exploits, triumphs and tribulations in Los Angeles by going here. It’s wiki-accurate.

I grew up in various parts of the Philly area. Was born in Chester. Moved to Mt. Airy to attend the first part of grade school. Moved back to Chester for a short period of time up until around 5th grade and then I finished out my middle and high school experience in the Marcus Hook/Lower Chichester/Upper Chichester area.

I headed to Los Angeles (well, Pasadena, it’s pretty much the same thing but…shhhhh…don’t tell them that or some Caltech kid will throw a thorny Rose at you) eight years ago with an eyeliner-smeared face and a liberal heart and ended up moving back with a v-neck sweater & collared shirt with a conservative head. And since I’m a Republican AND a cigarette smoker, it’s nice to be in an area where I’m not quite a fifth-class citizen. (You know, I really wish there was a “cut and paste” option for real life so that I can always add ‘but I don’t hate gays and don’t mind abortion..I’m a libertarian with a lower case l’).

I ran for Mayor Pasadena back in 2007 and got 11.2% of the vote. In a leather jacket. While wearing eyeliner. How California is that!? Soon enough, I didn’t forget my roots and took a bit of Philly with me. After deciding that being 25, balding, and a Goth socialist wasn’t cutting it, I did a complete 180 and started a somewhat-hilarious, mostly-acerbic, profanity-laced Conservative blog. It was a hit (well, it got a lot of hits – and e-mail from angry Councilmembers) in Pasadena as it equally angered and offended the same amount of people as it made spit out their morning lattes in laughter. I got a writing gig at a local paper (The Pasadena Weekly) – who pretty much gave me ink for shock value (controversial character = cash?) but then, for some reason, only gave me fluff stories to write. I did get to meet my hero, Huell Howser, however.

One thing lead to another, I pushed the envelope too far (people in Los Angeles don’t have a sense of humor and will be quick to call a lawyer or the police even if you make an unharmful WWE-style video challenging a newspaper publisher to a wrestling match) – and I came back to the Philly area after being fired and finding out my parents needed some assistance with their living situation.

Getting adjusted back to life in Delco has been really fun, really enjoyable. You know, to me, the Philadelphia area is truly the greatest metropolitan area in the whole wide world. One doesn’t appreciate the luxuries – both in terms of Tastykakes and peoples’ attitudes – until one lives in plastic-fake-boob-perfect-teeth Los Angeles for nearly a decade. I feel like a lot of people don’t appreciate it here. “Oh, the weather sucks”, “Oh, our sports teams suck”, “Oh, this place sucks, “You’ll get sick of it here”, “Why in the world would you leave CALIFORNIA?” – it’s something I’ve heard a multitude of times. Let me tell you something from my own perspective – the LA area ain’t that great of a place to live these days unless you’ve got a lot of money and are super progressive. Philly has its own charm, an incomparable state of mind and being and something unmatched by any other metropolitan area (and I’ve been to 26 of these great United States AND Washington DC) anywhere else. Other cities should be quite envious of how unique, fun, and awesome Philly has remained in a country full of carbon-copy “up and on the move” cities.

The differences between Delaware County and Philly itself are even more striking. I’m not even an hour from Center City and it can feel like I’m world’s away when I take the R2 into the City. It’s a nice compare and contrast of suburban and urban lifestyles – blue collars vs white collars – and all that Lebanon baloney.

Man, did I sure miss Wawa. And Turkey Hill ice cream and iced tea. And cheaper cigarettes – WAIT A MINUTE – why are cigs more expensive here, even in Delaware County, than in California? Guess I gotta go down to Bidenware and stock up. Oh..what else did I miss? Pathmark. SEPTA. Die hard sports fans. The whole “Philly attitude”.

Especially the latter. People here are sometimes rude, crude, in your face, and – especially in Delaware County – often just look haggard or harsh. I love it! It’s more honest, it’s more real, and by gawd, I’d rather have that than whatever is going on over in Hollyweird. And…the Phillies won the World Series. That was just the icing on the cake, considering I moved out here during the middle of the NLCS and was getting peanuts thrown at me every time I went to a bar. Yeah, peanuts. Los Angeles fans aren’t that tough.

Being gone for a while has also led me to make some prolific and poignant observations. I’ve decided to put together some of the things I’ve either said to myself or shouted out loud into a Top Ten List, a/la David Letterman (one of my heroes). Submitted, for your approval….:

TOP TEN THINGS I’VE BEEN OVERHEARD SAYING SINCE MY MOVE BACK TO PHILLY

10. “Damn, Dawn Stensland is pretty hot.”

9. “Hearing it pronounced ‘wooder‘ sounds more annoying than it did eight years ago.”

8. “Sweet Yuengling. Nectar of the gods.”

7. “The bus fare is how much?!”

6. “Oh, Dawn, you just made that triple homicide sound so f’n HOT!”

5. “LOL. Eight-Twelve. That never gets old.”

4. “Yeah, that’s a California ID. No, it’s not fake.”

3. “Where’s that UN—CLAIMED—-FREIGHT! guy?”

2. “I’d like to form an exploratory committee into Dawn Stensland’s pants.”

1. “I live in Delaware County, not Delaware.”

Over the next few weeks and months, I’d like to share my Phil-adjustments with the rest of you. Since I don’t own a car and work in retail now (yep – the mighty have fallen!), I have yet to discover or re-discover some of the awesomeness I left behind 8 years ago and want to share those adventures with you, the reader, for the low, low price of $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Operators are standing by.

Be seeing you.

- AP

15 Comments so far

  1. Andrea Piernock (andreapiernock) on November 20th, 2008 @ 7:56 pm

    Aaron, it’s so awesome to have you aboard! We shall plan a Metblog Happy Hour and initiate you into our ranks. And by initiate, I mean you pay. With your soul. But the nachos at National Mechanics are quite tasty, so it’s kinda worth it.


  2. Joe Smith (aaronproctor) on November 20th, 2008 @ 8:03 pm

    Thank you :-)


  3. frazgo on November 20th, 2008 @ 10:27 pm

    fraz waves his hand wildly from across the country…can I come too? Really, really, please? I’d love AP to pay at least once (kidding). Fwiw…AP does a wicked evite for setting up blogger picnics!

    We miss you around here. Seriously a lot of us do for the right reasons.

    Whatever you do, drink one up for me.


  4. pasadenaclosetconservative on November 21st, 2008 @ 1:23 am

    Hello, old friend. It has been a long time since we’ve heard from you in these parts. I’m glad to see you blogging again. Stop in at my blog sometime.


  5. Joe Smith (aaronproctor) on November 21st, 2008 @ 10:05 am

    Thank you, thank you, my friends from the Left coast.

    I’ll be setting up my own personal blog soon:

    http://aaronproctor.wordpress.com

    Until then, enjoy!


  6. akzucco on November 22nd, 2008 @ 11:20 pm

    Is there any sort of official "blog" housewarming gift that one can give?

    Good to see you landed safely.

    Alex


  7. beset on November 24th, 2008 @ 11:32 am

    Hey Philly before you embrace the Proc read the following:

    "The common thread in Aaron Proctor’s Blogs, whether he is a counter culture goth or suburban republican, is that he only cares about Aaron Proctor.

    If you have followed his rants, you will see they are nothing but a series a petty annoyances. As a poor homeless goth he was the mayoral candidate of affordable housing. As an employed suburbanite he is annoyed with anyone with penny less than he. He is however sometimes entertaining, unfortunately less and less so, as he keeps treading the same tired ground he is becoming rather "one note".

    I wonder if the mayor regrets placing him on the human rights commission? I also wonder if his politics will swing left again if loses his job or residence.

    The sad thing is he is a very intelligent young man. He is deserving of the higher education he longs for, but will most likely never receive. As the old slogan says "A mind is a terrible thing to waste".

    He should also keep in mind that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." – from the Pasadena new progressive blog

    Oh sure he is really funny and charming at first, put as soon as one thing goes wrong in his minimum wage world he flies off the handle and goes off into racist rants and threatening video. As for LA not having a sense of humor, the Proc needs to realize no one older than 14 finds the WWF amusing, unless their parents are cousins.

    The Proc was chased out of PA by the cops (google it) and had to leave Pasadena after posting threats on YouTube. Proceed with caution.

    He should be mildly amusing until the next meltdown.

    Oh, one more thing, I am not Larry W.


  8. Joe Smith (aaronproctor) on November 24th, 2008 @ 5:04 pm

    Fraz, Zucco – thanks for the kind words.

    "Beset" – give it a rest, man. Your facts are completely jumbled and you’re giving me far more credit than you really, really should. Last time I checked, my politics only shifted once..and that was to the right, and that’s where they’ve stayed. And why doesn’t anyone find the World Wildlife Fund amusing? :-)


  9. beset on November 24th, 2008 @ 5:48 pm

    Ya you’re cute now. Let’s see how you handle any future disappointments, will you blame the Armenians or the Asians or the Mexicans like you used to in your Pasadena blog? Hopefully you’ll prove me wrong.

    WWE:- aint nothing funny about the WWF except the PandaBQ. Damn my fingers.


  10. Joe Smith (aaronproctor) on November 24th, 2008 @ 6:16 pm

    The next time an Armenian guy steals my couch from the apartment I move out of, you’ll be the first person I call, "brah".

    I don’t recall ever blaming any group of people. I just remember making fun of them. Oh, and you forgot I also made fun of whites and blacks, too. And, in my latest post, fat white Mormon head coaches. And a little shot at airbrushed Virgin Mary t-shirts for ol’ times sake. It’s just another liberal way of "selectively" picking out statements I’ve made and forgetting the equal amount of statements I made making fun of rich white people. I was an equal opportunity offender out there simply because it’s hilarious to see guys/girls like you get your panties in a bunch.

    I love how you’ve turned me into some kind of like…I don’t know what the right word is. "Chased out by the cops"..yeah…who does that happen to outside of anywhere below the Mason-Dixon line? "YouTube threats". Yeah, I’ll try to refrain from challenging people to imaginary steel cage matches and parking lot brawls next time.

    And I still make "minimum wage" and last time I checked, I’m still a Republican, so your theory that my ideology shifts "any time" a "disappointment" happens is just plain wacky. People like you give any decent people left in Southern California a bad name.

    Your little "blog threats" ain’t gonna fly in the Illadel, my friend. Don’t you have some cigarette smoking to ban or some illegal immigrants to help cross the border or some more ballot refrerrendums that people voted on to overturn? Or what…are you going to call the cops and get a restraining order because I yelled at you on a blog? :-)

    Take a hike..don’t you guys like doing that? (Since you’re apparently "speaking for everyone")

    P.S. I’m always cute.

    - AP


  11. beset on November 24th, 2008 @ 10:13 pm

    "Your little "blog threats" ain’t gonna fly in the Illadel,……." What blog threats? Nobody is threatening you. You were the one throwing down in the ‘Dena.

    Wow for a cheesesteak eating ciggy smoking Philly tough guy you sure are thin skinned. Better man it up or the real Philadelphians will eat you for lunch.


  12. pasadenaclosetconservative on November 25th, 2008 @ 2:41 am

    Oh come on, Beset — You know that Aaron’s blog in Pasadena was everybody’s guilty pleasure. Even you can’t possibly deny it. After all, isn’t that the reason you’re checking out this site in the first place? So knock off the childishness and enjoy his postings like the rest of us.


  13. beset on November 25th, 2008 @ 11:44 am

    Just giving the folks the 411. Nothing wrong with freedom of choice and informed consent et al. Please enjoy the blog.

    "Chidish" ? Really? I don’t see it but hey, whatever floats your boat.

    You’re loyalty is inspiring PCC good for you.


  14. Joe Smith (aaronproctor) on November 25th, 2008 @ 2:36 pm

    Trying to "anonymously warn" the new City I live in about someone is pretty childish, pathetic, retarded assclown-ery. It’s also counterproductive. Thanks for the attention, you know how much I love that :-)


  15. beset on November 25th, 2008 @ 10:09 pm

    "Trying to "anonymously warn" the new City I live in about someone is pretty childish, pathetic, retarded assclown-ery. It’s also counterproductive. Thanks for the attention, you know how much I love that"

    Fair enough, enjoy.

    I hope you are able to reinvent yourself sans racism. Unless you are a complete dolt, and highly doubt you are with an asserted 165 IQ, you will use the opportunity to make a better AP. Constant progress is the American ideal and we both agree that is the country where you have the best chance pulling it off. Godspeed young patriot!



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