You Can’t Smoke in Helicopters…Traffic Reports Depend on it!

A few months ago my sister, Erin, told me about KYS 1060am. She said it was great for traffic reports, and due largely in part to my newness to Philly and minorly in part to my lack of patience with waiting, I thought it would be good to check it out. So I listened, and have been listening constantly since then. I love NEWS! I love convienience! I love brushing my teeth and listening to weather reports! 1060am will give me all of this…in only 22 minutes! They will give me THE WORLD in 22 minutes. A hefty promise, yes. But only a dangerous one if they failed to deliver. But they don’t. They give you everything you need in a remarkably short amount of time. This is because they are committed to giving traffic reports every ten minutes. How deep can they possibly get if they have to report on the traffic on the Vine Street Expressway every ten minutes?

And speaking of those traffic reports, I love ’em! I find that if you listen to them enough, you actually feel like you’re there, stuck on Broad Street or on 95, near that Walt Whitman Bridge. Listening to the traffic reports, I kept hearing about the Conshohocken Curve over and over again. It sounded fascinating. An area that is constantly flooded with traffic, build-ups, and delays! A geographical oddity! But I didn’t know where it was. I imagined it was something, though. Then one night, a few weeks back, I was out to dinner in of all places, Conshohocken! While eating, I asked my future sister-in-law, Scottie, if we were anywhere near the fabled Conshohocken Curve and she laughed.

“It’s right there,” she said, pointing out the restaurant window, towards I 76.
“You passed it to get here.”
I was blown away. It was like that time I was walking through Center City and walked past Chad Smith, the drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and didn’t realize it until five minutes later.

The only thing better than finding lost, traffic gems such as the Conshohocken Curve, is when I’m actually part of the traffic jams that 1060 is reporting on. It really makes me feel like I’m part of something bigger than my Blazer and myself. Like the two of us have finally become a tangible part of Philadelphia.

Yet I never see the helicopter, assuming that the traffic reports come from someone up in a helicopter. They do, don’t they? This is something I just assumed happened. A reporter sits in the back of the helicopter with headphones on and a microphone in their hand, looking down and reporting what they see. That’s reporting on the traffic. So when I’m stuck in traffic, I always look up, trying to find 1060’s helicopter. Then I think, man, what a terrible job that must be. Because they give reports every ten minutes, does that mean that the traffic reporter stays up there all day? What if they have to go the bathroom? What do they do for lunch? Can they go home sick or do they have to soldier it out?

I’m guessing that the traffic reporter is a non-smoker. Because if they were a smoker, then the damage they could cause would go way beyond the dangers of second smoke.

I might not know what the traffic is like on the Schuylkill. West-bound or East-bound. Frankly, I don’t think I could deal with that.

ALBUM OF THE WEEK: “The Audience is Listening” Cut Chemist
ANTICIPATION OF THE WEEK: The season premiere of Entourage
HARSH REALIZATION OF THE WEEK: Entourage doesn’t start until April 8th
ATHLETE OF THE WEEK: Lance Briggs of the Chicago Bears. Because 7 million a year is kind of insulting.
CEREAL OF THE WEEK: Honey Bunches of Oats.

1 Comment so far

  1. Mithras (unregistered) on March 14th, 2007 @ 10:19 pm

    They don’t have a helicopter. They have cameras mounted on poles next to the road.

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