Avast! Today she be talke like a pirrrrate day, yarr. ‘o celobrate ya daye like the right an’ proper pirate I be, I ‘ave news for ye.

Landlubbers be payin’ more doubloons fer gas in South Philly. Arrr, dey be gettin’ hosed.

On a right ’round, de Birds saw fit to lootin’ an’ burnin’ dose 49ers. Arr har, dey be doin’ hosin’!

Shiver me timbers! Da faire lass Rita be terrorizin’ in da South Seas. Ritas done been a right wench, me hardies!

‘o be a bastardly spite, da gov’ner an’ me hardies duel over salt pork. Scurvy dogs!

Thar be de news today, ya scalawags.